i don’t make resolutions for the new yr, never have. i always liked going rogue in the middle of june or october for the element of surprise. plus, my biggest battle in life has always been with myself, so me & me know better than to make “ourself” a promise we know we won’t keep.
the past few/handful of yrs ago, which by the way, in my world EVERYTHING happened a “few” wks, a “few” months or a “few” yrs ago, so keeping with my concept of time…. a “few” or “handful” of yrs ago, i decided i needed to commit to something every year, so i decided i would commit to specific prayers & totally figuring out how to be relational with God, & trust He would show up. i mean holy heck, i cannot put into words, here on jan 13 of 2013, 13 days after this yr’s commitment, how many of these prayers/situations/moments have been resolved or answered already, or at least i have clarity or peace going into them. uber times better than a resolution, cause we all know i am from AL & i “ain’t” givin up my carbs y’all or start running marathons with THESE ankles.
the one thing i have wrestled with the past “few” yrs, is my “calling” yes we all know we are “called” to wife or called to mother or if you’re actually a dude reading this, then you feel also, when you are “called”, but i had a hard time letting God lead me. i am a total type A, so in type A fashion, i got all full of the holy spirit & decided i was going to throw on a cape & save the community & better yet, the world. i also was VERY alone in my spiritual walk & desired close, Christ like friends, who got IT like me. wrap all that together & i pretty much signed up for every volunteer opp offered. here’s what it got me….. stressed out, lonelier, buried, guilty, & disconnected from my family. yes, i was building great friendships with the homeless, but putting my marriage & kids on the back burner. so this past yr, i decided to find my calling. even if it made no sense, i let God sign me up & i let God say it was ok to walk away. i let go & let Him.
leading me to the next point. i have some super hero friends. they have a lot more kids than me & full time jobs AND save the world, some stay home too, but still. so i tried to keep up. couldn’t. still can’t. my life, my dynamic, my reality. my crew, not the same & 2013 promises me that i will not care about that part of me anymore, the part that compares & beats myself up because i haven’t gone to africa yet or whatever. i am doing now. now is what i am capable of & now has caused me to call for the check…..it’s time to go & let go, yet again.
i do believe, whole heart speaking, that God calls us to do things, but he doesn’t call us to do everything. i don’t wanna be one of those who just says, “welp, God knows my heart & God knows right now, my ministry is my family” that i feel is half true, if you have like 15 kids you’ve adopted, but even still these people are building homes & such. so i knew i had a lot to give but how can i use it for Christ, help others & incorporate the fam? and how can i do it in a way that just doesn’t drag the family along for the ride, as they need to be “called” too, by God, not by me. so i trusted Him. he led me to full time women’s ministry leadership, he allowed me to connect with some less fortunate folks in my town, namely one gentleman & we pretty much take him to church & back every sunday & we love him, i am involved with a 5k team that uses proceeds from the race, to provide clean water systems to costa rica & my son is involved in traveling there to install them & build relationships, we sponsor a little girl in rwanda now…. i have another little handful of things here & there also. my husband leads A LOT of community service projects outside the church, & incorporates area teens. this is his way to bring his calling to the real world. my teenage son has his “stuff’ too. so i realized, just because some people don’t see or hear what we are doing behind the scenes, THAT’S OK. because that’s how it should be. between us & God. not us & people. when our callings become about our recognition from others vs the obedience through service to Him, it loses its joy. it loses its heart. which is why last week i asked God to take another check from my table. and today at precisely 6ish pm He did!
my sweet 2yr old, mini me, girl child, has encountered a journey, i keep promising for another blog post about & it’s a doozy journey! based on said journey, she has some occasional mild sensory issues we love her through. we’ve currently been faced with some quirks that have resurfaced this past few months. i can blame whatever, make excuses, but after incessant prayer, i felt these quirks resurfaced based on my time commitment to her. any child who acts out has a reason for it & i almost immediately felt hers….. momma didn’t know when to say no & ask for the check. so she got less of me, while the other people i was saving got more. i made a painful, tearful, prayerful phone call last week & today God helped me.
I was blessed to stay home until my son started kindergarten. i am proud to look back over those yrs, young & broke as i was & say i have no regrets. he got THE absolute best of me. my daughter deserves that too. i sat back tonight & watched her dance & sing with daddy. i watched my son wrestle her. watched her boss us all around. had a few deep laughs over inappropriate things with my son & i laughed at them & with them, this crazy bunch i’d do anything for & had such warmth in my heart because God has truly called me to a time such as this (Esther). God took a giant weight from me today & now i can refocus on what my 1st place is. i never want to look back at this time & say “i wish i would’ve kissed them all more” i wish i could remember what their hair smells like” “i wish we would’ve gone to the movies, the beach, the park” “i wish i had time to laugh more” “i wish i would’ve gotten to know them all before they left home” no wishes. only prayers. only joy. only now. only promises fulfilled & only getting back to prioritizing my calling. and if i say no, because something takes something else’s place, then so be it. God says fear & guilt are liars & i believe HIM!
Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
and for the record, i didn’t proof this, as i was trying to turbo type to get kiddos in bed! so excuse that please.