yep, that title just about sums it up for how i feel today. i’ve spent a great deal of time sighing & rolling my eyes over the “how dumb can you be” thought running through my head re: the israelites. i mean seriously?!? there is God RIGHT in front of them day & night, there He is performing miracle after miracle, there He is waiting to be sought & these people decide to whimper, complain & forget about all He’s done for them. like their present situation couldn’t be healed either….i mean pffft, dummies.
i am glad “I” don’t act like that. umm rewind, i can be & i often times I am identical to this behavior. as if God isn’t standing there tapping his foot, arms crossed, shaking his head, like i do with my own kids when their common sense leaves the body for a bit.
for those familiar with my story, you get to read this again, for those unfamiliar, i will cliff notes version you, for time’s sake. i have a 15yr old son. very healthy, very intelligent, not a days worth of issues on the grand scale of issues. healthy pregnancy with him & he was born over due date, when i was 23. fast forward 13 yrs. new marriage, new season of life, several bouts with miscarriage. oct 2009 brought an emergency surgery, which removed my left tube, baby in tube & my chances of more kids, based on age & past history & the 1 tube left. 2mnths later i was miraculously pregnant with my daughter. it was the worse pregnancy on earth. every wk there was a problem, complication, hurdle. she broke my water 5wks early, almost died the 1st night she was with us, was in the nicu for a month, on oxygen/breathing assistance for wks, was diagnosed with no thyroid (rare disease) & the fun begins. her condition is the only curable form of mental retardation, which is why it is part of the mandatory blood screen at birth. no way to detect in utero. most children with this condition have low muscle tone, developmental delays & issues, low iq, etc etc etc. her 1st yr was non stop drs & specialists & lab work & i mean non stop. some weeks we were 3 appnts a week. so needless to say she hates drs or anything to do with strangers & usually wont let you touch her, as she associates that with a painful experience (unless she knows you & even then it can be eh)
during her journey, my husband, son & self started our journey too. we have a HUGE story of faith, salvation & healing that came from God himself. my daughter is & has been a miracle since day 1 & is off the charts (to the great) in almost every area of her life. at 2 yrs old we were released from the cone of neurological dings & panic, as we’ve been waiting to truly know that we were in the clear. we got that confirm a few wks ago & praised God once again. i took some credit for being a good mom, we all 3 got a little puffed up & prideful & let our humility down juuuust long enough for the enemy to slide in & pop up us silly.
3dys ago she started to have an onset of something minor, but unusual for her. my mom instinct kicked in & i started to watch her. by yest. i was convinced i needed to make a call to the dr for an appt & i also videoed what i was seeing. then my husband & i proceeded to fall off of our faith wagons & become the israelites. i mean, with every miracle over her thyroid disease, even an almost confirmed mosaic down syndrome diagnosis, here we are with this “littler thing” acting like God isn’t capable of healing this. (and by the way, call it denial or what you may, but i am still not sure i trust the final answer of what i was told, so until i get a confirmed 2nd opinion or 4, then i don’t want to go into details yet. i feel even though trying to be helpful, the stories of others kids dealing with similar issues, can be overwhelming & horrific, especially if we don’t know for sure if we have a confirmed that we should be sharing stories over. it’s like trying to google it. not a good idea, so please just trust, support & pray for us & all that is hidden to be revealed)
in those moments of weakness the past few days, i realized how much regressed issue & pain that my husband & i still carry from the events of the past 2.5 yrs. unless you’ve walked a road like this with your kid(s), i cannot explain it, but it’s like walking through fire 24-7 for YRS, pretending it doesn’t burn, until you build up just enough pain tolerance that you become numb & you call that numbness healing. but the funny thing about numbness, is that it has the ability to fade & slowly the feeling that was covered, starts to return, showing you that you were not healed, you just thought you were. hence the test of your faith. in that/those moments i realized i have never gone to God in prayer & asked to be healed or asked for healing for my husband, even my son. i guess we thought we were ok & just got some glitter thrown on us & that was it. i mean i almost feel like an idiot typing this. once the hardest part of her medical journey went on idle, we looked back, we praised God & we were in awe we survived the trials. we were blessed to have one anothers love, support, prayer & tears during the journey & then we all decided that we just move forward & somewhere in the moving forward we forgot to offer up the pain. we just did. (and if yall know me, you know i am not weak faithed. i am the Jesus prayer warrior) so i have been a little blown away over the past 48hrs, as you can imagine.
i felt God’s call to women’s ministry last yr, from a different end. rather than participate in studies, i wanted to facilitate, now i actually took the leadership role of our wed. morning program. no clue where it will go, but i am enjoying it & that in itself is a Godly miracle, given my background just 3 or 4 yrs ago. one thing i always say to my ladies prior to starting a study, is the weird balance of excitement & on the other end, shakiness, because i know God will jerk something out of me, shove it in my face, i’ll deal with it & then we’re done. where the shakiness comes, is not really knowing what He’s going to pull out, especially when you think you’re doing ok. even last week, i wrote this in my study book on day 1. “i have NO idea what God will do to me or show me in this study, but i know he’ll break me apart & piece me back together” then i flipped to the last day of study in my workbook & wrote myself a note for 10wks from now, “go back to page 9 & figure out what God wanted to free you from” however, i think after the 1st week, i am getting warmed up to figuring out where He & i are going with this. and praise Jesus i am ready for Him to take it, but 1st i have to relive it. this my friends is where i press into Jesus, i jump into God’s word, i replace the word faith with TRUST & i remember what i have been redeemed, healed, cured, & delivered from.
my daughter is not suffering. my daughter is not in pain. my daughter is not aching. her parents are & i think her brother is too. after i pulled myself together last night, i got up early this morning, knowing that God was going to speak to me at study today, through the voice of the holy spirit & the powerhouse, beth moore…..and did he ever. so i hung my head on the counter this morning & i cried & thanked Him in advance. i told God periodically today, “i trust you. i trust you. i have the heart you only know & i am not playing here. show up & heal her & us & show them that you are the great i am, prove this is another miracle” and there is no doubt i won’t have one soon. i also did something i have never done before. i really felt the holy spirit call me to do it during our study today. i picked up my daughter from the childcare room & took her back into the church sanctuary, i knelt with her on the alter & i prayed. & i prayed. & i prayed with groanings that i cannot explain. and i hugged her & i kissed her & smelled her sweet little hair & i rejoiced in advance for whatever God has planned in the story of her life, that He’s writing, not me. as i finished praying, she said amen & got up & talked about her thomas the train sticker. i was a little amazed she stayed still & behaved in a dark sanctuary at the alter, especially if you know her active self. i do know we were not alone & i know that i have a different peace than i had before. and more so i know without a doubt, when i am the weakest, i am also the strongest. i know that we all need to be honest with each other. i know that we as a family in Christ are called to pray for another & love each other through things. so i am thankful for those who care & i am thankful when i can lift you all up too.
In a very small story of faith & healing through Jesus, i heard this scripture today, presented in a much different way than i ever have before, but it’s probably because the listener is in a different place than she has ever been. i want this type of faith & i want to grab the garment of Jesus today, white knuckled & receive what is mine, my husband’s & my children’s ……healing
Luke 8:47-48 The Message:
When the woman realized that she couldn’t remain hidden, she knelt trembling before him. In front of all the people, she blurted out her story—why she touched him and how at that same moment she was healed. Jesus said, “Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed!”