i have been trying to type this blog for 2-3 dys. most of it has been written all over my house, from scrap pieces of paper to sending myself texts to voice notes. one would think i was writing for something important. who knows maybe i am, but i know that even as i type this, i have zero idea how God will put the words together to make any sense. i am completely undone these past few weeks & i will try to sit down long enough to explain why. i truly hope as you the reader reads it, you understand what i am trying to say, even if i wander. i am a crazy mess of me right now, with a heart that is being renewed & on fire at the same time.
i know some people believe in karma & coincidence, even luck. i do not. i believe & have always believed in God & His divine appointments & intervention, but i just didn’t quite GET what i said i GOT. let me try to explain this to the best of my ability, i could self labeled my former me, a christian non believer, throughout my entire life. i wasn’t sure what i felt, what i knew, i was too lazy to be still, i prayed to God when i needed something really badly or if i totally had screwed up, i liked church on the holidays, i had felt Gods presence a few times, he’d done supernatural things in my life, but still kept myself at a distance. i couldn’t explain my faith. i had it, but didn’t know what it was….i mean, i couldn’t even explain the feeling or emotion, period. i guess i just thought faith was “in there”. i had no view on creationism or opinion, i lived in a ridiculous bubble where i was right, but so was God & there was NO way those 2 things could balance (that would be self talk with a dash of satan) i pretty much lived a life that close (insert pinched finger visual) to figuring it out. and i mean figuring it out for me, not the world. however, every time i was that close, one of 2 things would happen, i would have something super awesome occur or something super devastating would occur. both events would either have me so high on life or so low on life, that my eyes would be on the “thing” & never on the core of myself, which obviously needed to be centered on the word. i got distracted in the very moments i was about to out the pieces of the puzzle together. i lived many yrs on the roller coaster of highs & lows and i was satisfied with that. if something felt like it was missing, there was nothing a new purse, a trip to maui, a $200 dinner wouldn’t cure. even though i did good things for the needy my entire life, i did good things for my son, i did good things here & good things there, i knew deep down there was no “good” scale. you can’t measure it. God says there’s one way to heaven, through His son. i mean FULL ACCEPTANCE, not the half way kind & well, i believed that, but i wasn’t sure why i believed that, especially when this Jesus wasn’t 1st in my life.
old me was also kind of a band wagon Jesus encourager. i made excuses for Jesus, i defended Jesus, i wanted to smack people for talking smack about Jesus…..but why? and heaven? i mean HEAVEN, where is that? do i believe that? is that maybe over exaggerated? i believe, but i kind of didn’t believe, & i felt i had nowhere to turn for answers because everyone was so pissed off or one sided or hypocritical or confused or misled or uneducated, that not only could i NOT ask a christian, i couldn’t even ask an atheist, i was wondering how anyone believed anything they say they believed/didn’t believe. all the while i never assumed i could just sit down alone somewhere & well, ask HIM. it usually takes a “moment” maybe a split second to see Him or feel Him, but the key is to grab the moment & identify it, then ask for more. however, something so simple & life changing, always got looked past because i over complicated Him.nothing will rock your core self like having kids, especially if or when you start to recognize the magnitude of awesome involved in just giving birth. i mean this has to occur from a creator by design. most people who stare into the face of their offspring, right after birth, around midnight, with the beam of a nightlight shining on their face, it hits you, “crap, i have to not mess this up. this is a big deal. this is MY kid. seriously. how in the h**l am i going to raise this, i am a mess.” then if you’ve had any center of God in your life, you may say or you may think, God please help me. please protect this baby. please don’t let a murderer come kill this child- and for a second you have some faith & some belief in this “God”. but you’re not sure how to pull Him into your life without being a part of the “christian hate club” (anybody feel me?) you think prayer has to be some scripted, well worded speech, with proper old english wording. where do we get these ideas? you think every church is full of either a. hypocrites or b. those who were born on the alter & could never understand YOUR stained soul. so you stay away, but something always draws you back. for me growing up, God seemed like a character from a book, Jesus too. how on earth can you be relational & love & throw your hands up in the air & live for the one true God? i mean you can’t even see Him. plus they say he hates gay people, addicts, drunks, whores, bad decision makers, food addicts, prescription pill addicts, democrats, people who say ass instead of butt & stuff, people who like led zeppelin, people who smoke, people who watch harry potter, people who like rap music, people who have had abortions…..etc & since i either love people exactly like this list or i have been some of these things on this list, there is no way this will EVER make sense & NO WAY anyone will EVER believe i have been redeemed, because i don’t think at this point i can be………. i can almost hear God howl in laughter saying “buckle up child, you have no clue what you’re about to ask & how i am going to blow your hair clean off your head & face melt you” & with that assumption that God couldn’t handle me, i tested him yrs ago. i asked, almost demanded, SHOW UP! ” you’ve been messing with me my entire life, what do you want? is this what being “called” means? why are you always in the shadows, always convicting me & always lurking around? so tell me! poof on down here & with a thunderous whatever, show me you & i mean you. not in the form of a red bird or a leaf blowing up or the night sky hanging the moon just so, but a clear you. give me the supernatural stuff. (but please don’t scare me because i hate ghosts” ) then, ooooooh lawd. be careful what you pray for brothers & sisters. showing up & showing out & ripping down & repairing & healing & tearing apart & restructuring & giving forgiveness & testimonies & peeling back the layers & truth & coming undone & scales falling from eyes & a new heart & new desires & calls to service & new prayers & the holy spirit & the supernatural & lions & tigers & bears oh my! (last part not true) point being He came & has blown through my life, my soul & my family like a mighty wind & fire, followed by the most content, calming peace, joy, satisfaction, faith, hope & praise i can explain. i have desired it my entire life & now know it. it is amazing & i believe we are designed to know how this feels, but friends, it’s a daily job of submission, with eternal rewards. it’s hard. it hurts. it’s humility. even when He gives you clarity & answers, it’s hard. that’s why we fix ourselves on the temporary satisfactions of what we can easily earn & attain through materialism or addictions or anything easy. we don’t need God when we can grab it on our own, but when we fail, we either need Him or blame Him. we create life & expect Him to show up after we’ve bossed Him into it. we play role reversal because we hate to be led, but we always look to be led. meaning, not one person i know, believer or non, doesn’t lean on quotes, books, advice from another person. all of sudden our imaginations blossom from the words or opinions or ideas of someone else. when we will come up with own? we can depend on the answers from everyone & everything else, why not the creator? what do we have to lose except the things we say we don’t like? why do we drink the poison of our pasts & expect to wake up with different results? are we afraid the one thing we’ve always ran from may actually be real or make sense? i don’t know, but at some point everyone reading this has been upset with God, relied on God or decided to follow or not follow God & there is a reason behind it. a reason deeper than the surface answer that’s given. 9 times out of 10 i think everyone’s deep reason for their distance, disbelief or desperation for God is attached to hurt. an issue that hasn’t been healed, because frankly, you can’t revisit it. you can deny it, you can cover it or you can numb it, but come face to face with it, no thanks! i finally have MY answers for the creation thing, for dinosaurs, the age of earth, & all the other “things” that tie people up from believing (it’s what i call the “excuses”) i understand what faith is now, i feel relational with the unseen, i have experienced events with God that never make or made it to facebook nor have ever been shared with anyone else besides my husband & son. i am not saying i have the answers to it all, or am boasting in any way, i am only saying i get “it” & “it” is worth every minute of being torn apart to find Him. but no matter how worth it & how much i know it & how many miracles he’s performed, i am still me & me still likes to take over the show….having to find His true peace again last week & well, it didn’t feel like it was worth every minute when i was in the war zone. I took off running backwards because i had to face something i thought was over. He chased me down & body slammed me. wouldn’t we all do that to our adult children if they were running from the very thing that would heal them?
in the past week i have been led to more scripture, devotionals, & words regarding peace, freedom & healing, than any normal human brain would even believe. i mean it’s almost too much. even in the most unlikely places, i keep getting a message the SAME message, so last week i figured out what i am not healed from & now i am in the healing process & it has sucked! especially when you’re trying to heal & more stuff related to it keeps popping up. truth is, you don’t get healed, until you get real! getting real with God & getting real with yourself is tough business. you’re almost horrified to ask for the healing because you know God will most likely not grant said prayer like a genie in a bottle, he’s going to make you face it. no message without the mess. how else will we be released if we aren’t willing to release. but it hurts!!!!!!! healing hurts. no way around it. we aren’t promised a way around it, but we are promised a protector to guide us through. as much as i know, there is so much more i don’t, but i am willing to be rebuilt on this journey, at all costs to find out. i am also finding that allowing God to humble & rebuild me, has been a profound thing for my husband & son to watch. you can’t hide your true you from those who know you the best. you will be their example or their crutch. their hero or their enabler in this life. i pray i have strengthened their futures through God’s working me over.
i say be careful what you pray, but you should also ask God to prepare you to receive it. nothing feels worse than to ask God to fill you up, then you don’t what to do with yourself. i often thought followers of Christ were not realistic in their thinking or maybe they couldn’t think on their own, but please know it’s quite the opposite. some of the most intelligent people i know, have hearts on fire for Jesus. their faith doesn’t make them lack in the IQ dept. or make them weak, trust me, it takes A LOT more strength to keep your mouth shut & live for Him than it does to lose self control trying to prove a point. He doesn’t need to be defended. He needs foot soldiers. He needs those ready to know the truth. He doesn’t need a debate team.
i have spent yrs now, dissecting the word or participating in deep Bible studies, only to find truth & a new me. an on fire crazier me, but i kind of like her. i stopped answering for God & let Him answer for Himself. i am trying to stop being other people’s Holy Spirit hero & let Jesus just do His thing through me. i find almost daily, a new way to look at something or ask for prayer about something or be realistic. just when i think i may have actually lost my mind & i am speaking to thin air or no one understands this, someone surfaces to tell me they found something i said hopeful or they’ll ask me to pray for them or they’ll come back & share a praise report & that makes me smile because that IS God working. i just decided to be the messenger brave enough not to shut up about Him & let Him wreck my life, so He could be glorified. i also learned that humility feels so right. so does repentance. i found a new something that may help you in your repentance thinking. the greek word in my study Bible, for repentance, is metanoia & i love the definition- not merely a regret about something, it is a change of perspective that results in a changed action-
i cannot define my salvation, deep hard salvation. i can define what it means to me but not what it feels like. i can’t. no more than i can explain how i felt losing a grandmother, the moment i knew i had found my partner for life, the love i have for my kids; some things you have to feel from the inside out to understand the feeling/emotion/moments, where words could never reach. my faith has become a 6th sense to me & it’s strong, but if i don’t nurture it every day, it grows weak. sometimes i need help from others to back me up, sometimes i just need my daughter or son to smile & thank me or say i love you, yesterday it was a text from my husband who simply said, “when i get home, i think we should hug”; little things stitched together keep the big things in focus.
if you are someone who wants to reach the next level & know Him too, but don’t think you can reach that point because you think some things do not make sense, THAT’S OK. there isn’t many in the word of God who were called from their lowliness to make history, that didn’t test, question, doubt, & drag their sinful selves to Him. i was always told not to question God, but i think that was more “i have no clue how to answer you & because i said so isn’t going to work” so i’ll scare you with a scary God & His scary hell fire, if you cross this line. i think God likes for us to question, so He can answer, so He can show up & so He can reveal Himself. along the way, this builds our trust & this allows us to crave more & more understanding. it allows a new way to love. a new way to forgive. a way to let go of the things we’ve been dragging around. it allows you to find a way to show the world the truth about what & who you’ve found & it isn’t as complicated as everyone has made it.
and always remember you will never arrive at completion & if you think you have arrived, you get to play roller derby with God, like i did last week. He & i were throwing elbows & skating around one big circle & guess who got her helmet knocked off & her bell rung? please, know you are not alone in this race, ever! there is a lot of truth & freedom, but you have to step forward & receive the gifts that are waiting for you. today seems like a great day to let it all go & pick yourself up & start fresh. i am praying for you friends & i do believe by sharing this, God intended someone to know today, He has His hands out for you too!
Mark 9:22-24 (the boys father to Jesus): “Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.” “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”