Often I have the proverbial “light bulb” moment, always over the most obvious things. These are moments where the awareness of the thought is always there, just occasionally appears or feels differently. I find these attention grabbers occur more, when I am being still & my mind is quiet. If you know me, you know that doing either of those is a small miracle, as my mind & life are at about 150 mph. Since those moments are so genuine & touching, I prefer to look at them more as divine interruptions vs the “light bulb” going off.
I honestly thought my next blog post would be about something else. As I said my Earthly goodbye to a friend yesterday, a person I cared & appreciated far more than I think I realized. Her death has thrown me into an emotional hurricane this week. It has been quite the ride of self evaluation & those, don’t blink moments. I often wonder how many times in my life I will have to rebuild & re-evaluate myself. I imagine that my grandchildren & my greats, if I am blessed with a life that long, will have one very old, wise woman, with lots of life wisdom on their hands. At almost 39 years old I feel I have lived 5 lifetimes.
In my reflecting today, I remembered something shared in the DVD portion from our Life Group Bible study a few weeks ago. It was regarding a dad & his teen daughter. He was at the mall & he was observing an interaction between a dad & his much younger age girl. She wanted dad to carry her. He watched as this dad picked her up for a piggyback/shoulder carry & in that moment it hit him dead on, “I will NEVER have a moment to pick my little girl up like that again” & it broke his heart. It hurt him mainly he explained, because not only did he not remember the last time he carried her, but he didn’t treasure those normal moments as he should have; they were overlooked. Had he only known that was THE day for the last piggyback, he would’ve embraced it more.
I’ve had far more blessed moments with my teen son than anyone cares to hear. I have always prided myself on how much time, how many memories & the fact that I have utterly sopped up his 15 yrs with me, with a mental buttermilk biscuit. Not many things have I felt I have not absorbed. Until I heard the above story. I never realized the very last time I would cut up his food. The last time we’d lay on the couch & snuggle. The last time he’d need a band aid, a boo boo kissed & for me to tickle him. The last time I would bathe him. The last time we’d read Wheels on the Bus. I mean, I am almost overwhelmed even typing it or taking my mind back there. How did I miss this?
Flash forward today. After cleaning & dressing my 2 yr old, it was nap time. I was feeling a little rushed, chores were awaiting, plus I really wanted a little me time, especially just getting over a flu bug. My daughter still enjoys being rocked to sleep, with a book read 1st & we do this twice a day, ironically just like my son did. I was somewhat inconvenienced by this, as I mentioned above & in the midst of my internal complaining, I was flooded with the DVD story. I was flooded with a feeling I could be in the home stretch to the final bedtime story, the last time I could hold her like a baby & love her to sleep. I was “that close” to allowing a beautiful moment to pass into a memory before I could even grasp it for its value.
I get criticized for a lot, not sure if people are joking or really mean it, but I do often times get unnecessarily judged for things, often times in my parenting life. I talk about my kids too often, I take too many pics, I have always had “too mature” conversations with my son, I have raised my son to be too outspoken. I am too cautious with my daughters sensory issues & I condition them too carefully, rather than just throw out onto a playground or in a room of strangers & let her “deal with it” She stays up too late or I can’t believe you still do your son’s laundry. You know what I mean. (just for reference those parents missed my last blog) anyway, I’ve been left to feel bad about loving & nurturing & being proud of the beautiful gifts that God has entrusted me with. All I can say is that I am doing my best & I suggest everyone else do that too. I have some lovely moments because I tuned out the background noise of the persecutors. When you’re busy worrying about what everyone else is doing/saying/feeling, you miss your chance. No sadder day could it be to realize time has passed & you never enjoyed your sweet babies the way you could have & now they’re off on their own.
I type this out, on my cell phone, one handed & my left arm numb because she’s been asleep on it for about a half hour now. I realize choosing to sit here & stare at her face & allow my mind to imprint how she looks right now, at this age, with this little nose & mouth shape, was a correct choice. Every “thing” chores included, aren’t going anywhere, these things won’t change, but she will. My son will. Life will. My prayer for you reading this is that you would learn to be still too. Allow yourself to be divinely interrupted.
Psalm 127:3-5 The Message, “Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!